Am I saved? Why isn't it working?

To be smart is to have knowledge. To be wise is to know how to apply knowledge to effectively navigate life. Jesus was both the smartest and wisest person to ever live and when I thought I had accepted him as my savior, I did not believe that. I had not yet accepted that his teachings on life held any bearing on mine.

“Accept Jesus as your savior,” is the hallmark call to action in an evangelical church.

Once we accept him, we’re supposed to experience completeness, wholeness, forgiveness, and love.

But what do we do when, after we have accepted him (or at least think we have), we’re left feeling just as broken disintegrated, ashamed, and unlovable as before?

Our hope wanes. Just one more thing to add to the list of things that didn’t work to fix our brokenness. Maybe religion works for some people, but not for me.

That was my experience. Sixteen years old, I stood in a tub of water and was asked if I believed Jesus was my savior. 

“Yes.” 

And I meant it. At least I wanted to.

There was a dunk and a splash and some clapping and hugs. My Sunday school teacher said she was proud of me, but I couldn’t understand why.

I heard that once you accept Jesus as your savior it’ll change your life. You are born again. You become a new person. That sounded like something I needed, so I held out hope. 

Could there be truth in what they’re saying? Maybe I’ll be fixed when I wake up tomorrow.

Tomorrow came, as did the same habits I hated, the same thought patterns that tortured me, the same worries that plagued me, the same memories that haunted me. Hope was short-lived, but at least I was going to heaven if I died tomorrow. At least I was saved.

And this was my understanding of Jesus’ offer of salvation for most of my life: profess he is your savior, and you will go to heaven when you die.

For the problems in my life here on Earth, I looked to philosophers, self-help gurus, and self-proclaimed success stories to help me become the healthy, joyful, wealthy, winsome person I desperately wanted to be.

I suspect I was not alone in this perspective, as this seems to be the viewpoint of many American churchgoers. Jesus is for salvation. Look elsewhere for life transformation.

This attitude is, in part, why the Church is filled with whole congregations of people doing their very best to pull it together on Sundays to be the kind of person they have no idea how to be. But for the six other days of the week, they trudge through life with no more guidance on how to live well than anyone else.

They’re left with the pervasive suspicion that religion might work, church might work, Jesus might work for some people, but not for me.

The missing link is not that they haven’t accepted Jesus as their savior but that they haven’t yet learned to trust him as their teacher. 

If we do not trust Jesus knows what he’s talking about in a way that guides our everyday lives, his teachings will do little to transform us.

John Ortberg says it well in Living in Christ’s Presence:

Often in churches, we try to get people to affirm the right beliefs, the right points of view. The real test of what I actually believe is “Does it guide what I do?” For example, if I am up on a skyscraper, I would never step off, because I believe in gravity. I don’t have to force myself to believe in gravity. I don’t have to hype myself. I just believe in gravity. So I won’t step off that roof unless I am trying to hurt myself. My actions are always a result of my intentions and my perceptions of how things are. Sometimes in churches we work to get people to affirm stuff, even though they don’t believe in it like they believe in gravity. So somebody will say, “I believe that the Bible is the inspired, authoritative Word of God.” But the Bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive, yet they are not giving. So, do they really believe that the Bible is the authoritative, inspired Word of God? Well, at one level, they think they do, but the most important level of belief is their mental map of reality. What are those perceptions that actually guide how we live, what we do? Because that is simply how reality looks to us.

The issue is not that we ask people to accept Jesus as their savior, but that we leave out the requisite question: “Have you accepted Jesus as your teacher?”

The stories of Jesus’ disciples start with Jesus first inviting them to follow him as their teacher. Only over time do they eventually come to realize he is their savior.

Of course, God can do things in whatever order he’d like, but the consistent pattern in the scriptures is first, come follow me. I will be your teacher (Rabbi); you will be my apprentice (disciple). Then, in following me, you will realize I am your savior.

We look to many teachers to teach us how to live, but Jesus claims he is the best one. This is radical because he makes very backward-sounding claims about how the world works:

Love the person who hates you
Forgive the person who wrongs you
It is better to give than to have
If someone takes your shirt, give them your coat
The richest life is found in giving yours away
The way to live is to die

How can that be the best way to live? What about the successful, wealthy, six-pack, easy life I’m trying to build for myself? Surely, that’s the best life.

Yet my life while chasing after these things was not filled with the peace Jesus displayed. I was still doing what I thought would lead to fulfillment, giving little consideration to his teachings as anything more than moral ideals. My existence was filled with anxiety and despair and uncertainty.

Fortunately, in the face of God's love, all the things I had been seeking after started to seem so empty, insufficient even, when I have a soul that longs for more than this world can offer.

Jesus teachings are not unattainable theories we cannot live up to. He allows us to test for ourselves the ways that he teaches and see how it changes our lives and hearts. In following him, we become more compassionate, understanding, forgiving, gentle, peaceful, and sound.

The point is not that Jesus is our training wheels, and once we follow him enough, we can take them off and ride off without needing him. He himself is our salvation. What does that mean?

It is not the gift of salvation that saves us, but the giver himself. Like in any healthy relationship, we love the giver more than the gifts. They are the ones who change us, not the things they can give us. 

Loving this giver that is Christ changes us. Because when we love someone, we start to love what they love, care about what they care about, and hate what they hate.

When we love Jesus, we learn to love the people he loves, care about the suffering he cares about, and hate the evil he hates.

“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?”
― C.S. Lewis